Tuesday, November 10, 2009


It is a melacholy rainy day and I am working while listening to the radio and it seems that every song is about missing someone. I can relate today. My grandmother,, Hester Russ left this earth March of 2005. I still miss her all too much. It took me a good year and a half to take her phone number off of my cell phone. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Changing phones made that not a choice anymore. There are days that I still pick up the phone to call her to tell her some pointless story of my life and then suck in my breath for the pain of realizing that I can't call her anymore. She always seemed interested and listened and asked questions, not hurrying to talk about herself or anything else, just seemingly content to let me ramble or rant or rave or whatever I wanted to talk about. And I'm sure it helped that she always sided with me!! (LOL) She would offer me similar stories or a little advice after I ran out of steam. There were times I would call her and say hey these are the ingredients I have in my kitchen cabinet and freezer, what can I make for dinner and sure as the world she would come up with something and laugh and say what are you gonna do when I am not here. Well we will survive on take out, grandmama, I'd answer.
I do feel blessed that she did get the chance to hold three of my four babies. I know lots of people who would love to have that memory, so I feel guilty for wanting more time. Who am I to complain, really? in the grand scheme of things. When I know lots of friends who lost grandparents and even parents very young.
Hamlet and My Russ grandparents were always home to me..no matter where I lived. Soon as we saw those lowland pines, I could feel my soul sigh...home. I knew that everything would soon be okay, that no power under heaven could harm me there..where I was loved and protected. Where I was listened to and treasured. I wish everyone that feeling, a place , a person where you are most important, where you feel loved and accepted no matter what. Where you can go, if not physically but at least in your memory where your soul sighs and your heart says All is well, you are here and you are safe.
There is not a place now, the house has been sold, my grandparents are physically not with me but I can remember and I can try with all my being to me that place and that person for someone in my life. I only hope that I am successful.